America’s dark future
Today’s blog post is brought to you by a split in the space time continuum wherein Newt Gingrich is actually elected president.
Gingrich had Taco Bell yesterday, I can tell, because I’m the one that cleans him.
Let me explain:
We were all shocked, “there was no way that Newt Gingrich could be elected” we said to ourselves, and went on our merry way. I remember I watched the GOP debates and giggled to myself, taking shots of burbon as if my favorite team lost to Missouri. It would just take a few more primaries for Newt to be scraped off the map, like so much dog feces.
But then, Santorum got ahead, and suddenly he’s got three states under his belt. Suddenly he’s the front runner, and Mitt Romny with his moneybags, he goes after him. First place is not where you want to be, they call it “Mario Kart Politics” . The guy in front gets the blue shell by the blueblood. Jesus Christ.
So pretty soon, pictures of Santorum show up. Santorum in Missie B’s, Kansas City’s premier gay nightclub. I’ve been to Missie B’s once and I found the drinks to be moderately priced and the decor to be pretty tasteful. ANYWAY, Santorum was cruising that night, and Romny found the archival footage and the paid testimony. Santorum was out and, actually, in his concession press conference he said that he was “releived” that he didn’t have to be in the closet, and could take further steps towards self-actualization and healing. Really shed a tear there, honestly. We were glad some GOP scum could redeem themselves. Dan Savage even took spreadingsantorum.com down.
But then! Who’s out front? Romny! That’s who. And suddenly the conversation is about Bain Capital, and the last two front runners are just these rich, white, fucks.
After a few states, which pass in a blur, it becomes clear that the GOP would rather destroy the earth than have a Mormon be president.
And so it was.
Then the national debates, what a horror-show. Newt tossing out red-meat rhetoric out like so much dollar-store candy. The South ate it up. Super-PACs left and right going apeshit and rolling so much money into it.
We didn’t believe our eyes when Obama lost Florida, but when the numbers came in, the rest of the networks called it. We wept.
A few months later, as a part of Gingrich’s “Debt Free America”, all students with outstanding college debt were enrolled in the “Get America Working” work program. I still had a few grand leftover from Cornell, so one morning I was shoved in a van with everyone else from my class, as we were still squatting in that warehouse downtown. It was the Taco-Bell thing all over again.
I don’t think I need to elaborate anymore, but the entire time I was told that I should “be grateful” that my debt would be forgiven after 5-8 years of service, and the work experience of cleaning up after a moribly obese Newt Gingrich would pay dividends in my future.
I’m not sure how I landed in this spot. Like all evil things in this world, Halliburton was handling everything.
Newt gained so much weight during the campaign that he was no longer able to, um, clean himself. In his first state of the Union, Newt said that he had been a job creator, and when I watched him say this I was filled with a sense of intense dread, because I just knew he was talking about me
It’s no so bad. I have a cot, a small room, and it even has a window. They feed me twice a day. I don’t have much work to do, actually, I probably work maybe three or four times a day.
Oh I should go, time to go to work.
